almost one.

As I sit at work I can’t stop thinking about my little Em. How has it nearly been one full year? I can still remember the very first time the nurse handed her over to me as it was one of the most amazing moment of my life. Her scrawny little face and her newborn smell – there’s literally nothing in this world more intoxicating than the smell of your newborn. She was huge for a newborn but she was so tiny compared to now. I just can’t believe it.

Emma will be one in 11 days and honestly, I’m freaking out. If I think about it too much, I cry. Literally. In my entire 30 years of life I’ve never endured a year with so many emotions and yes, although some were very sad and dark there have been an overwhelming amount of light and bright emotions. She has brought so much happiness into my life that I thought was not possible. Our pediatrician said something one day that still resonates with me and that was that love is not a big enough word to describe what you feel for your child. He’s so right!

Love is such a minut description of what one feels for their child.

those squishy little cheeks that you can’t help but kiss 5,000 times a day.

those chunky little legs and feet.

those huge, amazement-filled eyes.

those tiny hands.

that tiny human being that is evolving into their very own self.

I love her so much and I hope she grows up feeling and knowing just how much I love her and how much she fills our lives.

Sorry guys, I’ve been in my feels!

xoxo

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Snap Back

Snap back really irritates me.

Yeah maybe..

Maybe I’m irritated at my own body. My body who failed to snap back. I have stretch marks. Lots of them. All over my belly. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

I should appreciate and love my body though. This body created and continues to nurture my 9 month old. But, it never snapped back.

I guess I’m still in the mourning phase. You know, the phase new moms go through – the phase where you mourn your old self, your pre-baby body, your pre-baby soul.

Having children is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong. It is life changing. I guess the reason I hate the term snap back so much so is because there is no such thing. You can’t snap back when there is nothing left back there. Even if you’re one of the moms that look incredible, you’re still different. The old you is gone forever. Things have been moved, shoved around inside of you – you’re never the same.

I guess the reason for my bitter post is because this past weekend was my first time in a bathing suit in roughly 2 years or so. It was very difficult to say the least. I mean it took me 8 months to get into a pair of jeans!

I work on self love every day. Every time I look at my baby I know it’s worth it. I forget that I have the stretch marks and the cesarean scar. Her smile truly does light up my life. I want to teach her to love herself and for this I know I must love myself first.

Slowly but surely this will eventually happen …