As I sit here at home sitting on the couch watching tv, tears rolling down my face, it’s over just like that.
Tonight my heart swelled with love and intense emotions once again as it has so many times since you’ve been alive baby girl. Tonight you decided to end our very last nursing session.
We were down to one nursing session, the night one. Tonight when you said no and I laid you back down to try again, you replied “no mama” and sat up on my lap waiting for your bottle of milk. Although I replied “ok Baby, let me get you leche” it hurt my heart. I got up with you, got your bottle and as I gave you your bottle of leche in the dark while singing to you tears ran down my face.
I can’t believe our breastfeeding journey has ended. I mean I’m happy we were able to do one year and one month of your life but it’s such an emotional connection that only you and I had. I love you and that will absolutely never change.
Thank you for making me a mom, yourmom. Thank you for showing me love like none I had ever known. Thank you for giving my life a whole new meaning.
As this chapter ends for us, I know another one will start but God did I love this chapter.
As I sit at work I can’t stop thinking about my little Em. How has it nearly been one full year? I can still remember the very first time the nurse handed her over to me as it was one of the most amazing moment of my life. Her scrawny little face and her newborn smell – there’s literally nothing in this world more intoxicating than the smell of your newborn. She was huge for a newborn but she was so tiny compared to now. I just can’t believe it.
Emma will be one in 11 days and honestly, I’m freaking out. If I think about it too much, I cry. Literally. In my entire 30 years of life I’ve never endured a year with so many emotions and yes, although some were very sad and dark there have been an overwhelming amount of light and bright emotions. She has brought so much happiness into my life that I thought was not possible. Our pediatrician said something one day that still resonates with me and that was that love is not a big enough word to describe what you feel for your child. He’s so right!
Love is such a minut description of what one feels for their child.
those squishy little cheeks that you can’t help but kiss 5,000 times a day.
those chunky little legs and feet.
those huge, amazement-filled eyes.
those tiny hands.
that tiny human being that is evolving into their very own self.
I love her so much and I hope she grows up feeling and knowing just how much I love her and how much she fills our lives.
Ok so this past weekend I had plenty of outings with the family and I think I am now pretty equipped at handling a full day out with my 10 month old in a pool/beach situation. I quickly found that there are definite essentials you need to survive a full day out of the comfort of your home and into a pool. Wanna know what those essentials were for me? Read on!
Things to pack:
Lots of snacks
Diapers + Wipes
An outfit change (or 2 🙂 )
Water, water, water!
I love Babyganics products, they are definitely a favorite because they are good for baby and good for the environment. We try to only use natural products on Emma as well as eat as much organic as possible because lets face it, you are what you eat! Everything we used for these outings can be found at BuyBuy Baby and Amazon. Hope you guys had a wonderful 4th of July weekend!
What a great past few days we’ve had over in our small corner of the world!
Our North Carolina family came to visit for one of Emma’s cousin’s first birthday and it was a great time. Whenever they come over we always have a fun time – just being around them makes us happier. Emma met Sebastian and fell in love with that little munchkin.
Family is a strange thing, sometimes you don’t like them very much but when things get to gettin, you’re always there for your family. The complexity of families comes from so many different personalities and beliefs and people voicing their opinions because everyone is so comfortable around each other. I don’t necessarily believe that when there are sly comments between family members its said maliciously its simply because everyone is so comfortable around each other.
Next time you’re around everyone in the family, really sit there and enjoy them! Truly, enjoy them, look at the children and their interactions and I promise you it will make all the difference and you will see the worth in spending time with family.
Maybe I’m irritated at my own body. My body who failed to snap back. I have stretch marks. Lots of them. All over my belly. I hate looking at myself in the mirror.
I should appreciate and love my body though. This body created and continues to nurture my 9 month old. But, it never snapped back.
I guess I’m still in the mourning phase. You know, the phase new moms go through – the phase where you mourn your old self, your pre-baby body, your pre-baby soul.
Having children is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong. It is life changing. I guess the reason I hate the term snap back so much so is because there is no such thing. You can’t snap back when there is nothing left back there. Even if you’re one of the moms that look incredible, you’re still different. The old you is gone forever. Things have been moved, shoved around inside of you – you’re never the same.
I guess the reason for my bitter post is because this past weekend was my first time in a bathing suit in roughly 2 years or so. It was very difficult to say the least. I mean it took me 8 months to get into a pair of jeans!
I work on self love every day. Every time I look at my baby I know it’s worth it. I forget that I have the stretch marks and the cesarean scar. Her smile truly does light up my life. I want to teach her to love herself and for this I know I must love myself first.
Today you have officially been on this earth for nine whole months. When everyone kept telling me, “enjoy because it goes by so fast” I swear my eyes would roll all the way to Canada. Baby, time really is going by too fast.
I know that before I know it you won’t need me to nurse you. Before I know it, you won’t need me to bathe you, to hold you when you’re not feeling well, to kiss your little toes.
You won’t need me at all…
For now, I will kiss you as much as I want and hold you as long as you want – for now is the time when you still need my touch.